So little time, so many better things to do, but I think it’s about time to write a bit more.

The other day a friend spoke about the manner of speech of the Australian character Bazza McKenzie, who used to appear in a strip cartoon in one of the London evening papers, the Evening Standard, I think. I believe Bazza was invented by Barry Humphries, long before Dame Edna Everage sprang, fully Melbourne Middle Aged, onto our TV screens.

My friend quoted Bazza’s immortal words, used to describe a person of the parsimonious persuasion:

‘Wouldn’t piss in yer ear if yer brain was on fire’.

And my friend said how he was so impressed by this no-nonsense delivery that he decided that here in Australia was where he wanted to be – and indeed is and has been for many years.

Sadly, to my despair, that Australia is all but gone. Currently there is uproar amongst what John Howard memorably labelled ‘The Chattering Classes’ because some schoolboys loudly bellowed out a scurrilous ditty on a crowded tram. But it is those same people who have so neutered our society that no adult dare intervene for fear of the full weight of judicial wrath being visited upon him – or her. Oh what bliss to hear someone being congratulated for clouting one – or more – of the little bastards; but it ain’t gonna happen folks.

In my youth, if I’d done anything like that, the nearest adult would have given me a thick ear and my father, if he heard about it, would have given me a thicker one – if mum hadn’t got one in first! My sincere thanks, shades of mum and dad, you turned me into someone worth being.

Now for a go at the economy – something else of which I despair. The gummint wants us to spend more, to get the economy working. It also claims to ‘Create New Jobs’ although, since it has no productive function, these can only be more non-productive paper shufflers for the workers to support. Now the workers are so badly paid that they are already spending all of their income just to survive. So who is going to spend more? Well, The Rich, stupid; there’s nobody else. So offer the rich tax breaks if they spend. It ain’t rocket science. 4% off your total tax bill for every million you spend on luxury goods; they’d love it. I’m sure a competent economist (is that a tautology?) can calculate the most effective percentage.

And who was the clown who invented penalising employers for employing? Yes, Payroll Tax; the finest incentive to reduce your workforce by any and every means ever invented. Why not reduce the employer’s tax bill for everyone employed. Haven’t you noticed – all those extra people will be paying tax, so you increase employment and don’t even lose by it. And they will go out and spend.

And now I fear that my brain may be about to catch fire and, in our prissy, politically correct, totally inhibited society, not even the most well intentioned Aussie will dare to piss in my ear.